I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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