Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
