My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
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