Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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