Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just gargled with NyQuil
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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