My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
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As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
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How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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