you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
