You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
