Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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