My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
