Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
