somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
