He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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