my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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