Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
