I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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