It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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