Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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