Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
