my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
im having a threesome with these popsicles
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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