There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
