I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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