I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
