I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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