I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize