Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
