You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
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She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
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Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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