He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
