We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
