So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
