party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
