Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
