there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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