i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
