I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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