I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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