cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
