Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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