this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Dating After Heartbreak
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole