Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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