these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
