I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
