Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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