I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just gargled with NyQuil
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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