I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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