I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
