i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
