I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
