From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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