Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize