guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
