It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
