Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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