and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
