saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
it glows. i had to have it.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize